…from my short story, Volunteer:
“Not to be able to say it out loud is like having poison in you!â€
The three of us are walking and she is holding my hand and D’Arcy’s hand. The forest is full of the sun’s heat and summer air. She lets go and stops so she can confront D’Arcy by placing her body in his path and taking hold of both his hands: “D’Arcy, if you don’t wanna say, then don’t! I know anyway cuz he told me!â€
She nods to me and D’Arcy shrugs, no outrage.
“I don’t care anymore,†he says.
“You should care!†she says.
“Somebody should pay something,†I say.
When they look at me I say, “Not money! Just do something to balance it off.â€
We set off walking again and, after a long stretch, D’Arcy says, “He’ll never pay.â€
“Somebody should pay,†I repeat, “and there’s just three people who can pay: him, you and your mother.â€
“My mother,†he says in a mild way that irritates me.
“His mother…†Sharon begins but she lets it drop. I think better of saying anything and I follow her example and let it drop. D’Arcy’s looking off into the woods as though the mystery of his mother and her lifelong troubles – meaning: his father – might materialize and come walking out between the big trees, waving hello and making everyone happy by telling us that he’s won the Lotto.
“You can always kill yourself,†I suggest. Sharon hits me.
“Maybe later,†D’Arcy says, smiling and she hits him.
“Don’t joke about that!†she says.
“Not you and not Mom: that leaves Patty!†I say.
“And he’ll never pay!†D’Arcy says, taking us back to the start.
A car turns onto the road and we all recognize Mrs. Bronson at the wheel. She pulls up and says hello to Sharon and “Hello, boys.â€
“Can you come by soon?†she says to Sharon, who stays silent, hoping to deliver a negative answer without the cost of saying the word. There’s a long pause with only the car making noise.
“Just walk the dog,†Mrs. Bronson says. “We’re heading back tonight, to the city. He’s a problem…â€
She fades as she is saying the words. She’s lost interest. She’s not even aware of us anymore; she’s gone somewhere, staring down the road toward her house. We take advantage of the situation and look in the car. We can see the paper bag with the bottle beside her on the seat. Hidden by her purse.
“Sure,†Sharon says, taking a quick look at me, then an equally quick kiss on the lips before she walks around to get in the car. Over the top of the car she looks at us both: “There’s a reward for you guys doing something about that problem.â€
When the car is gone, I say to D’Arcy, “They’re going back to the city tonight. We could burn down their damn house!†That’s how we decide what to do.
By ten o’clock we feel it’s safe. We carefully check out the house: it’s big and dark and the dog is gone. No cars in the garage. D’Arcy’s elbow pops open a basement window and in we slide. I am carrying three candles.
“That won’t work,†D’Arcy has already said and he says it again as I place the candles on the large beams supporting the house floor. He whispers, “Look how damn small they are! This is a big fucking house!â€
But I’m confident. I tell him there’s no need to whisper and I choose my locations for the candles. He supplies the matches and we light all three. We’re too excited to know what to do but we know we don’t want to be seen here!
Â
